I didn’t have a good year in 2010. I started off the year just like everyone else, setting goals, feeling optimistic, ready to take on the world. Well, that quickly faded. Last year was one of the most difficult years I have ever had and I have had some bad ones. In years past I have dealt with things like, losing my job, my daughter being diagnosed with Diabetes, my grandmother passing away, making a clean break from an ex but nothing ever prepared me for my year last year.
I am a person who lives in the fast lane. I love being around people all the time and if it is too quiet, I find myself getting anxious. I have a lot of friends. I never seem to be without at least one of them around me. Well, last year I didn’t want anyone around me. I went through several different stages last year, I even thought I wanted to enter back into corporate America (when I say that I instantly start hearing Eminem belting out the lyrics to White America!). Things were good for a few weeks and then I began to have serious anxiety.
I have dealt with this disorder almost my entire life, honestly, I don’t remember a time I didn’t have it. This time was different. If you have never experienced a full blown panic attack, you may not be able to relate to this post. I started every morning with a feeling of doom over my head (picture a comic strip with a dark rain cloud of the main character) and I couldn’t shake it. The closer I got to work, the harder it became to breathe. As I would pull into the parking lot, my head felt like someone pumped air into my scalp, causing a pressure that was unbearable. It would never go away until I was home from work. I became dizzy, scared to leave my office. I simply did not understand. I had never felt this way before. I would come home and hide in my room. I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I have worked in corporate jobs my entire adulthood. Why was this different?
One day, I was feeling extremely off balance and my good friend Amy came to stay with me during the day. I was working alone and was left to run a large apartment complex and two condo communities. I had no staff except for maintenance and some vendors that popped in and out during the day. So Amy came and kept me company. I didn’t have much time to talk with her that day because I was extremely busy. When that clock hit 6:00pm I was ready to bolt out of the door. I wanted desperately to go home, pour a glass of wine and hide in my bedroom until morning. This was my daily routine. It still shocks me that I was living like this. Well, I never made it home for that glass of wine. Instead, I was sitting on 23 South for quite a bit of time. Amy was a few lanes over and on her way home. I started to feel like I was fainting. I suddenly couldn’t see the road, I tried shaking it off but it became more persistent. I was blacking out. I quickly called Amy and told her what was going on. I hopped two lanes and drove to a nearby parking lot. Amy got out and stayed with me. We tested my blood sugar to make sure I wasn’t having a low blood sugar attack but the meter said I was fine. I tried walking around, it make it worse. We called my husband and he came to get me. I left my car there. On my way home, with my husband driving, I got even worse. I felt as if someone was choking me and only allowing me a few short breaths every thirty seconds or so. My head felt like water was swishing around and I truly thought I was going to die that night. I knew it was stress and anxiety but I was worried it was something more because I had never experienced this in my life.
I went to the doctor the very next morning and sure enough, they told me it was stress. I was put on several different medications, all of them made it worse. I started having severe body aches. One night I was trying to watch a movie with my husband and ended up crying because my stomach hurt so bad that I thought I was dying. I went back to the doctor the very next morning and they thought I had appendicitis. I was quickly admitted for CT Scans with contrast, blood work, head evaluations (for the dizziness) and they all came back fine. I went home that evening and sat in my bedroom in complete silence. I was trying to wrap my head around what was going on. This wasn’t like me. I am the girl who can handle everything life has to throw at me. I am strong, I am independent, I am couragious, and I am not a quitter. I spent a lot of time praying that day.
When my husband came home from work, I broke down. I was crying like an infant. He had never seen me like this and he became extremely worried. It was this day that he did something that made me realize that my husband was a really good man. He held me for a long time and told me that I didn’t have to be superwoman. I didn’t have to work this job, my job didn’t define who I was. He told me he would be happy if I just stayed at home and built my real estate business on my own, in my own time. I had been married to this man for 15 years at this point and never once had he been this gentle and caring towards me. Perhaps this was the one thing I needed? It certainly was a pivotal moment in my recovery. It may not sound like much to most of you who choose to read this but it was amazing to me. My husband just doesn’t do that. He doesn’t show emotions like that, he doesn’t believe in crying or having anxiety. He would normally tell me to suck it up and stop being a baby… or is that how I always took what he was saying to me? I am not sure. I just know that that was the first step to my recovery. It took several weeks for the anxiety to slow down. I went 4 months with no attacks. Oh and I quit my job the next day. That certainly helped too.
I still wasn’t out of my house a lot. I spent a lot of time that summer in prayer. I sat outside and basked in the sun every chance I could get. My friend John was there with me a lot. He helped me through this and was very caring. I didn’t see much of my other friends though. I met Sean and the three of us would hang out a lot. We took my kids on a lot of adventures. I went back home a lot to remind me of who I was and to help me figure out who I wanted to be. The healing process was working. I have since found that I am doing great. My real estate career is growing at rapid speed and I have to slow down sometimes, out of fear that another attack is lurking in a dark corner, waiting for that moment that I let my guard down. I make sure that I see my friends as often as possible.
I lost one of my closest friends this past January and my biggest regret was that I didn’t see her much that previous year. I don’t want that to happen again to anyone I care about. Katy’s passing has brought our friends even closer. I feel that we all feel this way. To be in your early 30′s and to lose someone to cancer that quickly, puts a whole different perpective on your life. I would do anything to get one more day with her but I know that won’t happen so I am trying to live the way that I believe she would have wanted me to and that includes being with friends for everything.
I hope that this year is better than last. It started off horrible, with losing Katy and all but I am trying to use that as turning point in my life. I am very blessed. I have a wonderful family and the most AMAZING group of friends ever. I don’t feel like I deserve to have all of this but for some reason I do. When you go through something like I went through last year, you wake up every day praying for a good day and when you get it, you can’t help but smile.
