I really wish I understood why people have to come in and out of our lives. I make friends easy but I don’t make “good” friends easy. I keep a wall up around me because I have an issue with trust. I don’t trust people. I believe that most people have an agenda behind everything. I believe that our society as a whole has been trained to use people to get what you want. I don’t think that people (for the most part) do this to hurt people but people get hurt regardless. I am sure I have done it to people as well. However, when I do make a connection with someone, I eventually let my guard down. It takes some time usually for this to happen but three years ago, I met some people and I don’t believe my guard was ever up.
You see, this group of people that I met were so different from anyone I had ever met before. The difference between them and everyone else I knew… they were authentic. They had NO agenda! Still to this day, I have not been asked to provide any of them with anything. I grew to love all of them so much. Sure, we had our differences, all friends do but for the first time in my life, I was able to be me… the real me. I didn’t have to pretend to be someone else so they would like me. I didn’t have to pretend to like everything they liked either. I have made some of the best memories with this group of people.
So back to that “I really wish I understood why people have to come in and out of our lives” statement. Last summer one of them moved away… no across town, or to another city within Ohio or even a neighboring state but away… to the other side of the country. I still talk to him almost every day but no more spur of the moment “let’s make a day of this” days.
I don’t make many “girlfriends” I made two within this group. Well the first one moved away last year. She moved for love, I can’t blame her as I would do the same thing. When you meet your soul mate, you will do anything to stay with them. She is happy now and that’s what is important.
Then another friend passed away in January (this is written about in a previous post). This was very difficult because she was the one person I could confide in. She knew everything about me, everything. We told each other our darkest fears and we understood each other. We didn’t judge one another. She was like nobody I had ever known before. I only had the chance to know her for a couple years. I see the heartache in every single person she touched. She was taken too soon.
Her fiance has decided to move away too. He has some friends on the west coast, one of which is the friend that moved there for love. It will be easier for him to be there instead of here. Too many reminders of what he has lost. I don’t blame him either. Just really going to miss him. We have had our differences but always came back around to each other… this is how real friendship works.
Now someone else is moving away. I understand the reasoning for it… I do. It is still hard. He won’t be that far away but when people move away and start a new life, it is easy to forget about the one you left behind. I care so much for this person. He has introduced me to so much… before I met him, I had never been to a broadway play, I had never seen The Rocky Horror Show, and I probably would have never bought a GPS but he convinced me it was way better than being lost all the time. I feel like Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz because I want and need to say… “I will miss you the most”… I will leave it at that.
I still have friends here and there are a few from the group left. One in which I have been the closest to. He knows who he is. I wouldn’t have been able to get through any of this or last year without him. I am so scared that something will happen and he will be taken away from me as well. I fear that I cling to him too much because of this. I know that there are reasons people come in and out… I know they all leave a mark on our heart and in time we remember the good things and forget all the bad, however, I feel like there is this huge hole in mine. I don’t know if I will ever meet a group of people like this again. I don’t know if anyone will ever be able to measure up to them. If you have met any of them, you know what I am talking about. I love each and every one of them and I am going to miss them so much.
